The Mind of Dana

2011-03-12T16:56:00.000-08:00

I like being alone in public places.

I like being an observer. I like being silent amidst nose. I like not knowing and not being known. I like to make up stories about the people around me. I like to pretend I know what they are and who they are. I like watching awkward first dates. I like being unnoticed. I like over hearing conversations. I like to look at cute boys. I like the old. I like to see the young feeling independent. I like being surrounded by a dozen other mac books. I like... I like.... I LIKE.

My thoughts could continue on and on, but the thing I LOVE the most about being alone, is that I never feel alone and truly never am.

Tic Toc

2010-01-12T20:42:00.000-08:00

Point interests south

Trickles of love

Layer after layer decay

Heart beat

Cold tear

Empty Soul.

Dry rushes of cold

barren.

In the end

clarity.

2009

2010-01-07T06:42:00.000-08:00

This past year was probably one of the hardest years in my life.
Lots of changes, lots of hurt, lots of disapointments, and lots of mistakes.

I moved 3 times.

I have hard a few job transitions.

I have been burnt out.

God,
This year I give you myself. I don't want to do it alone. I want to live life the way that you want me to live my life. Not just what I want.

Thank you for your consistent love even though I consistently push you away. Thank you for your comfort even when you are the last place I run.

I love life with you.
I love who I am when I choose you.
I love how I feel when my identity is found in you.

You are my 1st love.

Dana

Family.

2009-12-17T09:18:00.000-08:00

Its hard to explain how awesome my family is... but seriously... I am so blessed.

Everything going on with my Grandpa has been bittersweet.

We are mourning and grieving but also celebrating the legacy he left behind.

My family is not afraid to be silly, we are not afraid to make a fool of ourselves, and we are not afraid to express ourselves.

We get that from my grandpa.

I think my uncles are the funniest people I know and my aunts the warmest.

We like to have sing a longs as a family.

We like to play charades and cheer for each other.

No one leaves feeling unloved, unwanted, or not specail.

We put on skits for each other.

We Hug and Kiss.

We can sit and chat for hours.

People are what matters.

I love my family.

Blessed

2009-11-27T09:05:00.000-08:00

The older I get the more and more I appreciate my family.

Since my parents are divorced and I live in the town that they both grew up in (and where most of both sides of my family still lives) Holidays have always been so crazy. I have always felt the pressure to make sure that I spread my time evenly. I didn't want one side of my family to feel less important then the other side... however... In the back of my mind.... I would always be complaining.... Just wishing that both of my families weren't so close and so big and that I would for once experience what a "relaxing" or "normal" holiday was like.

The past few years my mind set has completely changed. For whatever reason God has blessed me with probably the most amazing family in the world. Both sides are huge, and fun and loving.... I wouldn't trade them for the world. Some people don't family at all and spend every holiday alone.... and here I am complaining about having to many family members? THAT'S CRAZY.

I am blessed beyond words.

Icy Air

2009-11-23T21:12:00.000-08:00

Inhalation of broken glass

each breath with its shards

Bleeding lungs

cool night air

make you remember

opens your soul

Celebrating My Sisters Life!

2009-11-17T10:53:00.000-08:00

I can hardly believe that my little sister Emily turns 11 years old tomorrow.

My love for her is sooooo huge.

Can I brag about her for a little bit?

~She is probably the most loving, non-judgmental kids (let alone person) I met in my entire life.

~She lives life to the fullest.

~Her personality is vibrant and people are just drawn to her.

~She never leaves anyone out.

~She is soooo hospitable (anyone that walks in to my parents house and feel so loved)

~She has the best sense of humor.. seriously she makes me laugh sooo hard.

(and there is more, but I wont keep going)

When I still lived at home I got the privilege of sharing a bedroom with her. One evening I was laying in bed reading and she woke up.... this was our conversation (remember she was maybe 7 years old at the time)

Me: "Hey Baby girl, why are you awake!?

Em: "I dont know, I just cant stop thinking about my friends from school."

Me: "What do you mean?"

Em: "Well, they just dont seem to love God the same way as I do... and it makes me sad and worried about them."

COME ON!!

Not to mention that when she decided to follow Jesus at the young ripe ago of 5 or 6.....

(after she prayed telling God she wanted to live for him)

she said to my mom with tears running down her cheeks....

"Mom, I feel like a brand new kid"

She is such an amazing girl.

I am really excited to see what God has in-store for her and her life

I know his plans are big.

He is going to use her to touch so many people.

I pray that I am, and will continue to be an example of a Godly women to her.

I LOVE HER SOOOOOOOOOO MUCH

Happy Birthday EMILY CLARE

Real Self

2009-11-15T07:12:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I like to think what my personality was like as a child.
Before the world and all of its cracks tainted you.

I feel like that's when you truly lived out the best portrayal of your true self.
Of course, over the years you learn and grow a lot.... but I still... I feel like the younger you paints the best picture of who you are, what you like, and how your view the world.

Who was Dana?

1. EXTREMELY independent. I would spend hours in my room playing by myself. I was really comfortable being alone in my own space and thought.

2. I was the neighborhood welcome wagon. Whenever a new family moved in I would be the 1st one knocking on the door welcoming them. I wanted everyone to feel like they belonged!

3. I use to make up songs all the time. I remember being scared that when I grew up that all of the songs in the world were going to be used up, and I would never get to write for myself.

4. I felt the most love when sitting on the couch with my mom snuggling. Touch has always been the way I receive love the best. No matter how I feeling.... if I was close to my mom.. or brothers.. or grandma.. or dad... I felt self, secure and that everything was going to be alright.

5. I didn't like TV and would much prefer using my imagination.

and I am sure MUCH MUCH more.

What about you? What were you like?

Growing up

2009-11-13T10:45:00.001-08:00

I have been thinking a lot about life lately and have decided that I don't want to live a SUPER long life.

Don't get me wrong.... I desire marriage, kids and grand kids... but I don't want to live to be soooo old I lose my independence.

Interacting with my great grandparents have shown me that. My great grandma is only 87 and her mind is still completely with it, but she is losing her mobility. My Banka is 91 and his memory is lost. He reminds me of a child. We always need to remind him, who we are... how we are related... etc.

Even conversations with them always consist of how there friends have all passed away and how they miss there families.

Can you imagine being the only ones left out of your circle of friends? How lonely?
The only one left out of you cousins and siblings? So sad.

I guess they have us, but still.. it just makes me a little sad.

Its all in Gods hands, but that's what I would choose if I had my choice.

My Banka

2009-11-11T20:55:00.001-08:00

Today was a good day.

I walk in to my grandparents house for a family dinner. As I walk in I make my normal rounds of hugs and hellos.
Usually as I say hello to my great grandpa (Banka), he gives me a blank stare and says hello... confused to who I am.

Today was rare gift.

As I walk over to him, before I could even utter a word he says.....

"Well, Hello Dana!!", with a huge warm smile on his face!
Man, this warmed my heart.

He went off to tell me what I a beautiful young women I was.. and told me stories of when he was young.
I was able to ask him questions... tell him memories I had of him from when I was young.

I will cherish tonight for a long time.

Thank you God, for this rare connection with my Banka.

boundaries

2009-02-23T08:44:00.001-08:00

I am his... thats all.... thats where my identity lies.

The creator the universe wants me and I want him.
Just thinking about that gives me chills.

He cares about my heart, and wants it.
He is perusing me.

His love for me isn't confusing.
It doesn't cause me to questions, he just loves.

He is my love.
He is my first love.

New Love

2009-01-21T08:00:00.000-08:00

I am the kind of person that loves to keep my options open.
I hate the thought of being tied down to just one thing and am not a huge fan of planing....UNLESS it involves cooking.

I LOVE TO COOK.

I don't know where this passion birthed from, but what I DO know is that its new and I love it.

Tonight I am making Chipotle Chicken, Spanish Rice, veggies, and chipotle guacamole.
Sounds good huh?

I made the chicken marinade last night and now its sitting in my fridge soaking up the yummy-ness.. just waiting to be cooked.

LOVE IT! :)

Starting Over

2009-01-13T09:37:00.001-08:00

Today I Decided that I am going to start Blogging again.

Why?
Because it keeps my mind fresh and helps to process.

Time.
I never seem to have enough of it and I hate the face when things get crazy God is always the 1st thing to go.

Why? Why do we always push away the things that are most important to us when we are stressed. Well at least thats what I do.

Friends too.... I push them away when life is crazy because for some odd reason I feel like I can handle everything one my own.

God did NOT create us to do life alone. We were meant to share our lives with people.

I am done pushing away.

1. God time
2. Dana Time
3. Love time.

Be Love.

life.

2008-08-25T10:33:00.000-07:00

Love, Joy, peace, patients, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

The fruit of the spirit.

God has been teaching me a lot about self-control, and fruit that had not bee true to me in my life.
I love the freedom that had come with it.

I feel so loved and blessed and cared for.

God really knows what he is talking about. Its soo hard to listen, but once I do its so life giving.

I feel loved.

BE Love.

Staying Connected

2008-07-05T23:02:00.000-07:00

Today I was feeling very insecure about things... normally I dont feel this way...
I asked God what was going on in my heart and he said..

"you need to stay connected to the vine"

ummm DUH... no wonder I have been feeling this way.. If i am not leaning in to my source.. the one that my identity is interwoven from.. then NO WONDER I feel insecure.

Hi, My name is Dana Lyn Crabtree.
I am Gods beloved daughter.
I want more then anything to look, live and Love like Jesus.
I DO NOT follow the world.

Be Love.

Make New Friends, but keep the old.

2008-05-01T09:33:00.000-07:00

There is just something special about Old friends.

The past 2 days I got to hang out with my friends Jeff and Ryan. We were really great friends in High School and then after we all graduated there families moved to Georgia (they are cousins).

Even though I haven't seen them in years it didn't matter, the conversation was rich. There was a comfort level with them that's harder to obtain in newer friendships. Yeah, we have changed a lot in the past years but our hearts are still similar.

I feel blessed.

Now, don't get me wrong... I LOVE my new friends. God has done amazing things through the friendships.
I LOVE YOU GUYS!

Be Love.

Updating!

2008-04-23T21:43:00.000-07:00

I know I know I know... I am horrible blogger... most people do it everyday yet I do it once a month! (if even)

Krista... this is for you more then anyone Else.

I just usually dont have much of anything to blog about. Dont get me wrong, I enjoy my life. I love simple pleasures. I could sit on my front stoop for hours with out moving, but is that really something that people want to read about? Me sitting!? Or the thoughts that go through my head as I sit?
Such as:
"wow, that grass is sooo green"
"hummm its soo interesting that birds hop, its like they have so much joy they cant contain it"
"Look that man is passing, oh gosh he is picking his nose... i bet most people pick there nose while they are driving."
"how can she say to me love will find a way, gather round all you clowns let me hear you say, hey you got to hide your love away."

I think not!!!

I will try to think of ways to make my life more exciting!

be LOVE.

Joy

2008-03-28T10:48:00.000-07:00

I love finding joy in all aspects of life.

Yesterday while driving home I passed what looked like a 70 year old women driving singing her little heart out. It brought me sooooo much joy. I dont know why.. but it just did.

2008-03-06T08:38:00.000-08:00

I am no longer wearing my winter coat because I am sick of it!

I AM READY FOR SPRING.

I love winter.. I really do, but come march I need warmer weather. I am a nature person, I experience God so much through his creation. I am hungry for it. I need a change in weather mentally as well. The end of winter is when i hit my low. I need to feel.

Be Love.

Memories

2008-02-23T09:22:00.000-08:00

One thing that I miss A LOT about this past summer are my girls.

One of my biggest ways I feel love it through touch, and the girls that I lived with this summer and I really never held back. We would always play with each others hair, or scratch each others back... and as silly as it sounds.... I really miss that.

I also miss the people this summer that live by example. These people were missionaries. They have given up so much just to live the life that God has called them to live.
They lived by love.
I learned to live more and more by the spirit. I still do...... but it seems harder here. Stuff gets in the way.

I want to live free.

God, teach me to live free!

Be love.

Long Distance

2008-02-14T10:50:00.000-08:00

I am 22 years old and still live with my parents.

The past week I have been house sitting for my aunt and uncle. They are in Arizona for 3 weeks. The other morning my 7 year old sister Bekah called me.
This is how the convo went:

Bekah: "Dana, you need to come home."
Dana: "why?"
Bekah: "Because I need you to do my hair for school."
Dana: "I'm sorry babe, I cant come home right now, but I will stop by in the next few days."
Bekah: "Ok, can you come on wednesday so you can come the 2nd grade musical?"
Dana: " Of course I wouldnt miss it for the world."

I love that girl sooo much.
On Wednesday I did go home, hung out with my family, and went to Bekahs Musical (which was 22 mins of singing and dancing)

After we got back home I told my sisters that I had to go and ask them for hugs and kisses. Bekah started to cry (which was really out of her character). She didnt realize that I had to go back and continue house sitting.

It kinda broke my heart.

I am moving out of the house in July. I Think its going to harder then I thought.

BE LOVE.

Mittens

2008-02-05T10:17:00.000-08:00

This weekend my friend Kate and I took a trip to Holland Michigan to visit our friend Shauna.

I was just a lovely weekend. We laughed a lot. I like to laugh.

The 3 of us really enjoy speaking in British accents when we are together. We got lots of looks from people because they thought they were real. One man even wrote about in a journal he had. Funny huh?

Sunday on the drive home Kate and I stopped in a small Michigan town called Constantine. A dear friend of mine lives there, and since he kinda lives on the way home I told him we would stop for awhile.
His Grandpa told us to call him "bad Chucky". I really liked his grandpa.

We got caught in the snow strom on the way home. NO FUN! My friend only lives 2 hours away. The first hour went by fast, but the last 45 mins took us 3 hours. It was a stressful ride, but we made it home safe a sound.

Be Love.

Van Gogh

2008-01-29T09:11:00.000-08:00

I think its safe to say that I have a crush on Vincent Van Gogh.... I know I know its strange, but while people are stalking there friends on facebook, I stalk Van Gogh and his life. Not only does he Art work completely inspire and motivate me, but his life, his story extremely intrigues me.

Originally at 16 he starts an apprenticeship with his uncle Vincent at an international art dealership. Eventually he becomes bored with his life and turns to God. He started to work as a clergyman. He had a huge heart for people and wanted to help and love them. He became very passionate about evangelical Christianity and ministering to the poor. This didn't fit in with the church at the time, so he went to missionary school. Eventually he went to Borinage Belgium to preach to coal miners. He really fell in love with these people. He related to them, lived in there poor living conditions, and really just loved them where they were at. To me, it really sounds like Van Gogh was Jesus to them. BUT this also didn't fit in with Missionaries at the time. They still lived a comfortable life style yet tried to tell people about Jesus. To me, that doesn't make much sense, but whatever.

ANYWAYS... because of this, he also was asked to leave as an missionary field... and THAT'S when he decided that he was going to be an artist. He pretty much taught himself how to paint and draw. Is that not amazing?

The rest if his life was filled with a lot of tragedy, and in the end he commits suicide. That really breaks me heart.

Its also makes me sad how the church treated him. He was loving the way Jesus loved. They should have learned from him.

But anyways..... yeah.. that's my secret. I have a crush on Vincent Van Gogh..... and I bet now you do too.

This is probably his most famous and most recognizable painting, Starry Night. If you look at it though, notice that all the houses have lights on, but the church doesn't. That for sure expresses his heart for the Church. How sad is that?

2008-01-25T15:54:00.000-08:00

So last night my dads side of the family and I went to Medieval times.....

(clockwise starting back left, brother jimmy, dad, grandma, grandpa,
step mom, half sister Livy, some man, half brother Jack, me)

We went for my dads 43rd birthday. At 1st I was skeptical about going, but seriously it was a blast! As you walk in you all get a crown which assigns you to the knight that you will be cheering for. Then you sit down at long tables, eat dinner with your hands, drink, and watch knights battle. It was great! At one point all the knights got carnations to toss to a few lucky ladies in the the audience. I just so happen to be one.
I sat between my step mom and my sister. Sue (the step mom), and I had so much fun cheering and yelling as obnoxiously as we could for our Knight. At times Livy would get Embarrassed and push my arm down. That just made me want to do it more!

If you have ever considered going to Medieval times before, just do it! Its a lot of fun!

Like Minds

2008-01-23T09:49:00.001-08:00

I am coming to realize that the way I think/the way my mind works is rather odd.

At time when I try to express my self verbally, the people I am sharing with end up more confused then enlightened. So more often then not I keep most of my deeper thoughts to myself.

I do have one friend though that always seems to get me. I don't have to try to explain myself over and over again, he understand my abstract thoughts. I love it. Around him and I can throw up my verbal processing and he gets it. And with that, I feel blessed.

Not to change the subject but.....

I love my Missional Community. I love what God is doing among it, and I love the friendships I have gained because of it.
When I came back home after the summer I thought I would be coming back to the old normality's of the life I left. I had fear I fall back in to the complacent, disimpassioned person I had let myself become.
God knew better.
I have been overwhelmingly blessed with Gods love and community. The new people and friendships he has put in my life show how great his love is for me.

I am his daughter. I am his Beloved. I am His.

Snow Falling

2008-01-22T08:24:00.000-08:00

Me time.

Its something that I so often forget to have.

These past 2 nights I have made fires in my fireplace and just "was". I was so deeply blessed by it. I journaled, read, prayed and just sat in silent. AMAZING.

God spoke to me a lot about who he was, and what he wants for me in this moment. I truely felt his love.

I also realized for me its NOT hard to love the poor but its hard for me to love the poor at heart. I really need God to give me the eyes to see them for who they are; His Children, his creations.

Something else God has been putting on my heart, is his creation. I know that I a lot of times take frograted what it is, and how we have a responsiblily to take care of it. We are destroing what he created with the cars we dive, the houses we heat, and the trash we throw out. How can I take responsibilty and care for this world!?